Time-warped Timeless Bollywood Lines!

I had originally posted the following as a comment elsewhere:

-----
1.

"Yeh duniya, yeh mehfil tere kaam ki nahin" ... [dhishkaaon]

-----
2.

"Tere liye bandook nahin, mere haath hi kaafi hain, machhar"! [dhishum] oops... [fataaak] - splattered erstwhile human, but now mosquito blood on the wall.

-----
3.

"Main is baar tumhaare bachche ki maan banane waali hoon; dobara mat puchhana ki mera number kab aayega."

-----
4.

"I love you, Anita. I love you, too, Sunita. Pyaar baantane se badhataa hai."

-----
5.

"Yeh sab uparwaale ki daen hai; haan, par kuchh-kuchh bachche baajuwaale ki bhi daen hain."

-----
6.

Tortured lady: "Tumhare saamane haath jodakar main dayaa ki bheekh maangati hoon"

Confused tyrant: "Dayaa ki kyon, khud ki bheekh maango na!"

-----
7.

Sister: "Bhaiyya mere, raakhi ke bandhan ko nibhaaaaanaa!"

Brother: "Jaa, tu bhi kya yaad rakhegi, tu Rahul ke bandhan ko nibhaa" :P

-----
8.

NRI MIL: "(1)Janamjali, kalmuhi, (2)kulta, (2)kulakshani. Teri maan ne tere paida hote hi tera galaa kyon nahin ghot diya!"

DIL (in American accent): "Yo, mom! You rock! Thanks for calling me sweet as (1)jam-n-jelly and (2)kewl!"

-----
9.

Doctor upon merely examining patient's pulse: "Badhaai ho Mrs. Sharma, aapki bahu maan banane waali hai."

Mrs. Sharma: "Sirf isake baal lambe (click) hain toh kya huaa? Yeh meri bahu nahin, mera betaa hai!" :P :P :P

-----
10.

Excavator: "Anarth ho gaya!"

Archeologist: "Is mein nayee baat kya hai, tumhaaraa kaam hi toh hai unearth karanaa."

-----
11.

Jiska is duniya mein koi nahin hota, usakaa facebook hota hai.

-----
12.

Demon: "Is ghalati ki sazaa moth hai, moth"

"Thank you!" - Starved lizard.

-----
13.

Bindass girl: "Tere ghar mein maan-behen nahin hai kya?"

Stupid boy: "Hain par, aap jitani khubsoorat nahin hain"

Bindass girl: "Toh yeh le fair-n-lovely; goraa-pun laaye sirf do dinon mein."

-----
14.

Senti mom: "Tumhein maine apna pet kaat-kaat kar badaa kiya hai"

Even more senti son: "Boohoo! Aapne apne Tommy oops... Tummy ko kaat diya?"

-----
15.

Freshly disturbed 'abalaa naari': "Yeh sunane se pehale main andhee kyon nahin ho gayee. Yeh dekhane se pehale mere kaan phat kyon nahin gaye! Hey Dharti maan, mujhe apni god mein samaa lo!"

Dharti maan (in a mechanical voice): "Aap qataar mein khadi hain!"

-----

Now, don't ask me which movies these lines are from! Suffice to say that, that these lines were ever spoken proves the concept of parallel universes, some of which you do not have VIP-passes for! :P ;)

Up against "What's up?"; please help! :(

Long back my parents would ask me to be more graceful in dealing with relatives, e.g., to ask them "tamey kem chho" [Gujarati for "How're you"?], though it literally means not "how", but "why are you?"! Isn't that offending, or at least a deeply existential query?

Plus, I used to find it pointless. I'd ask, "if someone's in a bad mood, would they actually say so? So what's the point?" And no, it wasn't me trying hyperrationalism! I truly used to feel that, and also find it insincere to ask. On top of it all, the expected reply would also be weird! "(badhuj) saaru chhe" = "(everything) is fine" [in response to "how are YOU?", and not "how is 'everything'?"!]. The problem is, to answer in terms of "I'm fine/good" is difficult due to weird connotations some words have come to take: "Hoon saaro chhun" = "I'm good", but it would be taken to mean "I'm a good person"! "Hoon barabar chhun" though translating as "I'm alright", sounds like "I'm correct"! "Hoon theek chhun" = "I'm alright", but comes off as dejected (not sufficiently ecstatic!), and hence, not apt.

But someone clever, recognizing the problem with greeting thus, added a leading question to "Kem chho?", viz., "Majaa maan?" = "Enjoying life?". Now, who has the balls to say, "What fun! Am effin preparing for PG entrance exams!" So you see, it's not only for effin that balls are required, but also to say effin!

I used to have same predicament asking "How are you?" and its Hindi version "Aap kaise hain?" See how the question's open ended, and could be as well grammatically correctly answered as "I'm like a lizard^*" or "main chhipkali jaise hoon" [*my grammatically flawed attempt to get Stupidosaur to comment!].

But the most formidable mutant among the species of redundant questions is "What's up, dude?". I mean, on being asked the first time I was totally stumped! I was obviously not expected to answer if I felt "fine"! The question means "what's new in life?", and I'd say "nothing special, man. You only tell!" See, how I'd cleverly shift the onus of answering such philosophical questions to the tormentor (interrogator)! Though, my dirty mind could also think "whatever is *up*, shouldn't stay so if I've to keep up focus on studies!"

But honestly, I still don't know how to answer "what's up" aptly. :( Someone please help me!