Song Parody: 1 - Duniya mein logon ko

This is after real long that I am parodizing an entire Hindi song. Hope, you enjoy!

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To be sung to the tune of 'Duniya mein logon ko'. Original lyrics are in green, and parodied ones are in orange. Also, lyrics have been phonetically rendered in Roman script for those browsers that might not render the Devanagari script.

Watch on YouTube (click)

RD: | K'Ma D:

बीरा... | छीना...
टरा टरा टरा, परा परा परा | बड़ा बड़ा बड़ा, मारा मारा मारा
टराटराटराटरा तरारू | देश का pocket मारामारामारा मारुरुरु


दुनिया में, logon को | Commonwealth में, ऐसे तो
धोखा कभी हो जाता है | एक-आध खोखा^* यूँही खो जाता है

आँखों ही, आँखों में | लाखों ही, लाखों में
यारों का दिल खो जाता है | प्यारों का bill pay हो जाता है


Asha: | Money-aa:

दुनिया में... | Commonwealth में...


RD: | K'Ma D:

दुनिया में... | Commonwealth में...


Asha: | Money-aa:

(नागिन सी मेरी चाल, रखना दिल का ख़याल | (Maoमाता का अड्डा बंगाल, रखती Maoists का ख़याल
मेरे दीवानों का, हो जाता है यह हाल) -2 | Media से कह के मैंने, उठवा दिया games का सवाल) -2

बीड़ा, बीड़ा, बड़ा बड़ा | चीरा, चीरा, फाड़ा, फाड़ा
टरा टरा टरा, तुरु तुरु तुरु, तुरु, तुरु तुरु तुरु तुरु रु | मारा मारा मारा, देश का pocket मारा मारा मारा, मारा मारा मारुरुरु


जागी मैं, सारी रैन | Games में, मैं हैरान
सारा जहां सो जाता है | पैसा कहाँ खो जाता है
आँखों ही, आँखों में | लाखों ही, लाखों में
यारों का दिल खो जाता है | मेरा कुछ नहीं हो पाता है


R D: | K'Ma D:

(कहती है यह नज़र, कब क्या हो क्या खबर | (Official तो है figure, पर अन्दर की उन्हें क्या खबर
दुनिया में चंद लोग, होते हैं जादूगर) -2 | Money-aa ma'am को ठगकर, हूँ तो मैं बेफिक़र) -2

बीड़ा, बीड़ा, बड़ा बड़ा | चीरा, चीरा, फाड़ा, फाड़ा
टरा टरा टरा, तुरु तुरु तुरु, तुरु, तुरु तुरु तुरु तुरु रु | मारा मारा मारा, देश का pocket मारा मारा मारा, मारा मारा मारुरुरु


Asha: | Money-aa:

सुनिए जी, उन पे भी | भ्रष्ट-एष जी, मुझ को तो
जादू कभी हो जाता है | आप पे भी शक हो जाता है
आँखों ही, आँखों में | लाखों ही, लाखों में
यारों का दिल खो जाता है | मेरा कुछ नहीं हो पाता है


R D: | K'Ma D:

(पिंजरे में चलके आप, आ जाता है शिकार | (ऐसा न कहिये आप, करूंगा आप को भी मालामाल

Asha: | Money-aa:

कातिल पे भी कभी, आ जाता है प्यार) -2 | चमचे भी करते कभी, हैं चालाकी की मजाल) -2

बीड़ा, बीड़ा, बड़ा बड़ा | चीरा, चीरा, फाड़ा, फाड़ा
टरा टरा टरा, तुरु तुरु तुरु, तुरु, तुरु तुरु तुरु तुरु रु | मारा मारा मारा, देश का pocket मारा मारा मारा, मारा मारा मारुरुरु

बातों ही, बातों में | अकेले में, खाने से
होना है जो हो हाता है | चमचा Tharoored हो जाता है
आँखों ही, आँखों में | देखते ही, देखते में
यारों का दिल खो जाता है | CBI पीछे पड जाता है *wink* *wink*


Asha: | Money-aa:

दुनिया में... | Commonwealth में...

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RD: | K'Ma D:


beeraa... | Chheena...
tara tara taraa, para para para | badaa badaa badaa, maara maara maara
taraataraataraatara taraaru | desh ka pocket maaramaaramaara maarururu


duniya mein, logon ko | Commonwealth mein, aise toh
dhokha kabhi ho jaata hai | Ek-aadh khokha yunhi kho jaata hai

aankhon hi, aankhon mein | laakhon hi, laakhon mein
yaaron ka dil kho jaata hai | Pyaaron ka bill pay ho jaata hai


Ashaa: | Money-aa:

duniya mein ... | Commonwealth mein...


RD: | K'Ma D:

duniya mein ... | Commonwealth mein...


Asha: | Money-aa:

(naagin si meri chaal, rakhana dil ka khayaal | (MaoMaata ka adda Bangal, rakhati Maoists ka khayaal
mere deevaanon kaa, ho jaata hai ye haal) -2 | Media se kah ke maine, uthawa diya games ka sawaal) -2

beedaa, beedaa, baayaraa, baayara | cheera, cheera, phaada, phaada
taraatara taraa, turu turu turu, turu turu turu turu turu ru | maara maara maara, desh ka pocket maara maara maara, maara maara maarururu


jaagi main, saari rain | Games mein, main hairaan
saara jahaan so jata hai | paisa kahaan kho jaata hai
aankhon hee, aankhon mein | laakhon hi, laakhon mein
yaaron ka dil kho jaata hai | mera kucch nahin ho paata hai


R D: | K'Ma D:

(kahati hai ye nazar, kab kya ho kya khabar] | (Official toh hai figure, par andar ki unhein kya khabar

duniya mein chand log, hote hain jaadugar) -2 | Money-aa ma'am ko thugkar, hoon toh main befiqar) -2
beedaa, beedaa, baayaraa, baayara | cheera, cheera, phaada, phaada
taraatara taraa, turu turu turu, turu turu turu turu turu ru | maara maara maara, desh ka pocket maara maara maara, maara maara maarururu


Asha: | Money-aa:

suniye jee, un pe bhi | Bhrasthesh ji, mujh ko toh
jaadu kabhi ho jaata hai | aap pe bhi shaq ho jaata hai
aankhon hee, aankhon mein | laakhon hi, laakhon mein
yaaron ka dil kho jaata hai | mera kuchh nahin ho paat hai


R D: | K'Ma D:

(pinjare mein chalake aap, a jaata hai shikaar] | (aisa na kahiye aap, karoonga aap ko bhi maalamaal

Asha: | Money-aa:

qaatil pe bhi kabhee, a jaata hai yoon pyaar) -2 | chamche bhi karate kabhi, hain chaalaki ki majaal) -2

beedaa, beedaa, baayaraa, baayara] | cheera, cheera, phaada, phaada
taraatara taraa, turu turu turu, turu turu turu turu turu ru | maara maara maara, desh ka pocket maara maara maara, maara maara maarururu

baaton hi, baaton mein] | akele mein, khaane se
hona hai jo ho jaata hai] | chamchaa Tharoored ho jaata hai
aankhon hee, aankhon mein] | Dekhte hi, dekhte mein
yaaron ka dil kho jaata hai] | CBI peeche pad jaata hai *wink* *wink*


Asha: | Money-aa:

duniya mein ... | Commonwealth mein...

^*खोखा = Rs. 1 crore in colloquial Hindi.

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Lyrics courtesy: Bollywood hungama (click)

Spinning Yarns to Make Undies on TV

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1.

The author asserts that all the incidents described in what follows are completely true. There is no question of any incidental resemblance with any person alive, moribund or dead as the author himself had witnessed the events described this Sunday (February 28, 2010) on the eve of Holi (click) after consuming bhang (click), which he could not dilute sufficiently with thandai (click).

Reader discretion is strictly optional, and when exercised, in fact would be deemed by the author as an affront to his truthfulness and ability to maintain lucidity in face of information overload.

8:00 PM, 28 February, 2010
nOObs' Channel: Undie TV XXX 24x7
Program: Weed People
Debate: Which political party is best for We, the People?

Hello and welcome, friends, to yet another episode of your favorite propagandram - Weed^* People! It is Holi tonight, and I, Charkha Thug, take yet another opportunity to remind you, the people, of Undie TV's undying endeavor to provide the best opinions in the news-market to choose from.

India is the largest democracy in the World, and staying true to our democratic spirit, we keep on voting. There are all kinds of opportunities to vote - Lok Sabha elections, assembly elections, municipality elections, best TV vamp elections. No wonder, it is imperative that we all stay informed as to who to vote for.

We have noticed that despite our best efforts, the citizenry of India has not been proactive enough to assimilate the message Undie TV wants them to. Our research analysts have concluded that this sloth is an outcome of Indians' inability to follow hints. And it is even understandable - when all other channels bombard the viewers with in-your-face news, our subtle messages are lost upon the viewers' numbed sensibilities.

So today we have decided to set the record straight once and for all. We're here to tell you discuss which political party is the best to vote for. And to aid your decision making we have some eminent spitters speakers with us.

Let's kick off this debate with the eloquent spokesperson of the Con's Dress Party - Manhus Bimari.

Charkha: Mr. Manhus, could you please tell We, the People, why we must vote for you, and not for the SafeRun alliance, who is your chief political opponent?

Manhus: Charkha, I must begin with saying that our party traces its origin in wannOOby bureaucrats, who were desirous of greater role in governance. So as you could see, to govern people is the unshakable wish all our party members have always shared. Now you must juxtapose this wish with the fact that where there is a will, there is a way! We have willed that we rule, and we have had our way, more often than not. But of course, sometimes merely willing is not sufficient, and hence we are exploring new ways (click). The strongest reason I could offer to dear citizens to vote for the Con's Dress is the sense of accomplishment they will experience in voting for the party that is to win. I know, despite or alternatively, because of - both of which are debatable but acceptable views, our ruling the nation for around 50 years now, people have to struggle day in and day out. Whatever they wish for never happens. Like, people had wished that food prices come down, but they have maintained their upward trend! People had wished that there be no surprises thrown by terrorists (click), but that did not happen! People had foolishly wished that Rahul and Rakhi marry each other and STFU, but see, that too did not happen! These disappointments leave in wake a defeatist attitude. We totally understand the situation. We have over these five decades, developed an unparalleled expertise at understanding the common man's problems. And this should not come as a surprise, after all, antivirus companies know how the end user feels when his PC gets infected by the viruses they create.

The problem, as you can clearly see, is in people's wishing for things that are extremely unlikely to happen. So what we suggest to people is that they align their wishes with events keeping in view their probability of happening! There is nothing that comes closer to playing God as voting for the Con's Dress and wishing for its victory!

Charkha: Thank you Mr. Bimari. I'm sure all our viewers who are sensible must have understood by now that they must vote for you. But being the responsible mouthorganpiece of media, I must give fair chance to our guest from the SafeRun alliance. So I would like to ask Mr. SingeJoy Rout of the Shy Sena to tell us why we must vote for them. I must remind our viewers that the Shy Sena is the prototypical alliance partner of the SafeRun. Their history includes breaking glasses of cinema halls, showing their concern for the depopulation afflicting Pakistan owing to Talibani activity thereby requesting select Indians to emigrate, and not to forget [sniff, sniff] not letting people watch My Name is Con. Let's see if Mr. SingeJoy is able to tell us why we must vote for the TeleBunny party that he represents and not for their rival, the Con's Dress Party, which clinched us freedom from the Britishers, is pro-poor, pro-development, pro-friendship, pro-stitu... I mean, secular...

SingeJoy: I object. How do you call us TeleBunny and call the Con's Dress secular? Don't you remember what these people had done in 1984...

Charkha: I'm afraid Mr. SingeJoy, you're raking up a very sensitive issue for which our viewers are not fully prepared. So we take a very short break at this point. See you back after some time. mouth fart[smile] :).

Charkha: Welcome back! So we were discussing how the Shy Sena is the prototypical alliance partner of the SafeRun. Their history includes breaking glasses of cinema halls, showing their concern for the depopulation afflicting Pakistan owing to Talibani activity thereby requesting select Indians to emigrate, and not to forget [sniff, sniff] not letting people watch My Name is Con.

SingeJoy: This is ridiculous! How many times will you repeat the same rubbish? Anyway, I was telling that the Con's Dress Party is not as secular as you are making them out to be. In 1984...

Charkha: Mr. SingeJoy, I'm afraid your time is up! We have to let all our participants speak. I'll return to you later. So well, people as you could see the Shy Sena has no defense for its abominable actions. Because, they are the prototypical alliance partner of the SafeRun. Their history includes breaking glasses of cinema halls, showing their concern for the depopulation afflicting Pakistan owing to Talibani activity thereby requesting select Indians to emigrate, and not to forget [sniff, sniff] not letting people watch My Name is Con. Whereas, Con's Dress is the party, which clinched us freedom from the Britishers, is pro-poor, pro-development, pro-friendship, pro-stitu... I mean, secular. Well, no debate on any subject under the Sun, and especially beyond it, can remain complete without the involvement of the Left Out. Let's take some views of the very illuminating Prakash Current as to whether we must vote for the SafeRun alliance or the Con's Dress.

Prakash: Charkha, being media's responsible mouth organ, you must not sing paeans to the Con's Dress. You should give us a chance, too. We have been pro-poor since our inception. Saffron is just a form of adulterate red, but we are the pure red!

Charkha: Mr. Prakash, I thought being the Third-Front, you can only go back and FourthForth between the treasury and the opposition benches. Anyway, We, the People, will try to take you people more seriously. But what seems to concern the whole nation is the impression that you are tacit supporters of the Meowists. Would you like to clarify anything on this issue?

Prakash: There is nothing to clarify on this. Our stance is very clear. We support the Meowists because they are the Jungle cats! What is difficult to understand in this? What is wrong? Aren't the jungle-dwellers the poorest and closest to the mother nature. Aren't jungle cats indigenous animals? Don't you know our love for everything indigenous, especially, that originating and thriving in jungles? We are pro-poor. And we are pro-Meowists. We will never let any of the two get extinct.

Charkha: Viewers, this is unbelievable! I just can't believe I'm so awesome! I made Mr. Prakash confess that the Left Out sides with the Meowists - something that TheRuin TechPal of Tadka.com had been attempting to do since their alliance with the Con's Dress. What hidden camera could not achieve, I achieved with my pure awesomeness. Here to celebrate, let me take another break. [Giggle].

Charkha: So we are back. I must remind the viewers the subject of our discussion is which party to vote for. Of course, very early in today's show, we had reached this unanimous conclusion that it has to be The Con's Dress. Because Shy Sena is the prototypical alliance partner of the SafeRun. Their history includes breaking glasses of cinema halls, showing their concern for the depopulation afflicting Pakistan owing to Talibani activity thereby requesting select Indians to emigrate, and not to forget [sniff, sniff] not letting people watch My Name is Con. Whereas, it's Con's Dress Party, which clinched us freedom from the Britishers, is pro-poor, pro-development, pro-friendship, pro-stitu... I mean, secular. And also because I don't like Mr. Prakash's deo.

Now we will take the opinions of our studio audience. Umm... yes, that sweet lady in the third row. The one in the saffron burqa! I must tell you in my 35 years of journalistic career, I have never seen such a spectacle! Yippeeee!

SingeJoy: Charkha, you are misguiding the citizens of our country. How come 35 years? You mean...

Charkha: Yes of course, I've been making up stories since I was three! Winners begin early, don't you agree? Anyway, Mr. SingeJoy, your time is up. I was telling the viewers how I have never seen such a spectacle! This, the saffron burqa is the epitome of Hindu-Muslim sister*hood* and customizable feminism and love for one's religion. What is your name sweet lady?

Lady: Ahem, ahem! [Squeaky manly voice] Well, you see, I am not exactly a lady. You see, my name is Bubbly Duhling.

Charkha: Oh, then I must add, apart from espousing the causes of Hindu-Muslim sisterhood, customizable feminism, religionophilia, you are also the champion of transgender rights! You're one hell of an activist. By the way, did you do your bit for Save the tiger? There are only 1411 left! And are you running for Grin-at-thorn? But I must repeat, you're one hell of an activist. If I deserve the Padmachhee, you definitely deserve Bharat Rant. Could you tell our viewers who you will vote for, and why?

Bubbly: Of course, I will vote for the Con's Dress Party! That's what I had rehearsed before the sho...

Charkha (stomping her feet and snatching away the mic): Shh... Due to some technical difficulties, we'll have to take a not-so-short break. We'll return next Sunday. Till then, goodbye and wish you a happy Holi! :)

8:00 PM, 7 March, 2010
nOObs' Channel: Undie TV XXX 24x7
Program: Weed People
Debate: Which political party is best for We, the People?

Charkha: Welcome friends. As you must remember last week we had to cut short our propagandram because of technical difficulties. We have replaced the defective equipment, so tonight we have with us Bubbly Duhling's, umm... how to explain... we have with us Bubbly's brister - Babely Duhling! You were telling us last week why would you like to vote for the Con's Dress.

Babely: Of course, I will vote for the Con's Dress Party! That's what I had rehea...

Charkha: Take this mouth gag! Huh! Okay, now take a deeeeep breath. Now are you feeling alright? Don't you remember, Con's Dress Party is the one which had clinched us freedom from the Britishers, is pro-poor, pro-development, pro-friendship, pro-stitu... I mean, secular?

Babely: Of course, of course! I will vote for the Con's Dress Party because I just looooooove Rahowl! He's cho chweet, he's cho cuuutee! He's the man, you see. I juss feel like smearing his bare chest with my li...

Charkha: Uh, oh! We understand your sentiments. I guess, Rahowl is a portmanteau of either Ra+howl or Rah+owl. But isn't "Rahowl" a strange way to pronounce the name of our future Prime Emperor, Rahullu?

Babely: Whatevah! Emperor or not, he's the Quing of my heart! Don't you know how like a true tiger from among the cubs of the soil he had entered the Tyrannosaurus' (click) den and withdrawn money? How like a true tiger he had walked bare-footedpawed and made a grown up Baagh to carry his footpaw wear? More Pawarpower to him!

Charkha: I'm not sure if his party would want any more pawar, but what I am sure is, by now not just the intelligent among We, the people, but even those utterly dumb must have understood that they must vote for the Con's Dress. We have left little time on our hands, and let me make one final attempt to see if Mr. SingeJoy speaks what we wanted him to speak. Mr. SingeJoy, what do you say about the recognition bestowed upon Shy Sena of "Paper tigers"?

SingeJoy: Our party has never felt more delighted than when the media understood the true motto of our party and started calling us by pay per tiger! You see, each and ever member of our party is a tiger. And we don't do our job for free. Each tiger comes for a price. Now that only 1411 are left, and moreover, with rising kerosene prices, it has become difficult to indulge in arson. Plus, our party apart from being saffron also takes on shades of green.

Charkha: What! Is this history in making, again? Shy Sena and green?

SingeJoy: No, you're misunderstanding. I meant, Mother Nature's green. Just like how paper bags are eco-friendly, so are paper tigers! Anyway, as I was telling you with ever-rising inflation rates, it is no longer possible for us to take bulk orders. We now have a strict policy of pay-per-tiger in place! If you want to market any movie, or any event, you know who to approach... [wink, wink].

Charkha: Not here before the camera, Mr. SingeJoy! Before we wrap up, I would like to take the views of Mr. Rage from Bombay, oops, Mumbai. Mr. Rage, welcome to the show! Could you please advise our viewers on why they should vote for the Con's Dress Party?

Rage: Why do you people always quote us incompletely? We do talk about sons of the soil, but that is because Mumbai's infrastructure is severely strained, and any further influx of immigrants cannot be sustained. If the governments of north Indian states would support adequate urbanization, this problem can be solved sensibly...

Charkha: [God, why's he sounding so sensible all of a sudden! This is not good for our TRPs. The sound editor must've slept off; the bugger didn't delete the inappropriate words!] We're extremely sorry, friends. We've lost our link with Mr. Rage. But as you could hear, Mr. Rage was telling emphatically that Mumbai was gifted to him on his b'day by his dad, and that they will allow only tiger cubs to play in their nursery.

Well, this brings us to the end of our show. As must be amply clear to you all, we had reached a consensus here for the first time, that We, the people must vote for the Con's Dress Party. See, you next week; same time, same channel. B'bye.

Charkha (click) was the brain (legitimate) child of Mahatma Gandhi (click) and The Quirky Indian (click).

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2.

In an occurrence more than a year old, which had got nothing to do with any of the characters described above, the Padma Shri (click) award winner, journalist, Barkha Dutt (click) had threatened a blogger with a law suit (click), for largely writing the truth. Needless to say, this is not becoming of someone who is supposedly very bothered of freedom of speech, for instance, of Maqbool Fida Hussain (click).

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3.

Again, totally unrelated to anything described in the first part, two days back I was watching NDTV 24x7 (click), and I was appalled by the sequence of news flash in their headlines. Here is the sequence that I vaguely remember:

1. M. F. Hussain says, he loves India, but India does not love him.
Immediate consequence: Hardly any.
Remotest possible consequence: Might set a tone for how much freedom could artists enjoy in the future.

2. A fighter jet crashes in Hyderabad, killing two pilots.
Immediate consequence: Two pilots died. A few onlookers killed.
Remotest possible consequence: Might serve as an indicator of the security that the Indian Navy is capable of providing to our country.

3. Government firm on Oil price.
Immediate consequence: Every single Indian would have to buy every single thing at a higher price.
Remotest possible consequence: More farmer suicides. Civil unrest.

4. Hollbroke says, blasts in Kabul not specifically targeting Indians.
Immediate consequence: Taliban would be taken less seriously by the US.
Remotest possible consequence: More Indians might die in Afghanistan as a part of India's attempts at continued presence there. Continuity of oil supply from Iran might be affected furthering India's oil shortage related problems. Taliban would gain stronger foothold and launch offensives against India.

5. "Dipak" - Maoist chief's Kishenji's right hand man arrested. Kishenji requests his release.
Immediate consequence: Might result in kidnappings/threats of violence by Maoists to coerce the government into releasing Dipak.
Remotest possible consequence: Might serve as a precedent as to whether the state machinery can tackle high pressure situations and escape out of arm-twisting tactics of Maoists and Naxals without loss of civilian lives, or will our republic just go even more "bananas".

Related posts:

1. Media Campaign for My Name is Khan: Free Speech or Free Market? (click)

2. The Hindu: Advertising, Bollywood, Corporate power (click) by P. Sainath (click).

Time-warped Timeless Bollywood Lines!

I had originally posted the following as a comment elsewhere:

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1.

"Yeh duniya, yeh mehfil tere kaam ki nahin" ... [dhishkaaon]

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2.

"Tere liye bandook nahin, mere haath hi kaafi hain, machhar"! [dhishum] oops... [fataaak] - splattered erstwhile human, but now mosquito blood on the wall.

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3.

"Main is baar tumhaare bachche ki maan banane waali hoon; dobara mat puchhana ki mera number kab aayega."

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4.

"I love you, Anita. I love you, too, Sunita. Pyaar baantane se badhataa hai."

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5.

"Yeh sab uparwaale ki daen hai; haan, par kuchh-kuchh bachche baajuwaale ki bhi daen hain."

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6.

Tortured lady: "Tumhare saamane haath jodakar main dayaa ki bheekh maangati hoon"

Confused tyrant: "Dayaa ki kyon, khud ki bheekh maango na!"

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7.

Sister: "Bhaiyya mere, raakhi ke bandhan ko nibhaaaaanaa!"

Brother: "Jaa, tu bhi kya yaad rakhegi, tu Rahul ke bandhan ko nibhaa" :P

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8.

NRI MIL: "(1)Janamjali, kalmuhi, (2)kulta, (2)kulakshani. Teri maan ne tere paida hote hi tera galaa kyon nahin ghot diya!"

DIL (in American accent): "Yo, mom! You rock! Thanks for calling me sweet as (1)jam-n-jelly and (2)kewl!"

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9.

Doctor upon merely examining patient's pulse: "Badhaai ho Mrs. Sharma, aapki bahu maan banane waali hai."

Mrs. Sharma: "Sirf isake baal lambe (click) hain toh kya huaa? Yeh meri bahu nahin, mera betaa hai!" :P :P :P

-----
10.

Excavator: "Anarth ho gaya!"

Archeologist: "Is mein nayee baat kya hai, tumhaaraa kaam hi toh hai unearth karanaa."

-----
11.

Jiska is duniya mein koi nahin hota, usakaa facebook hota hai.

-----
12.

Demon: "Is ghalati ki sazaa moth hai, moth"

"Thank you!" - Starved lizard.

-----
13.

Bindass girl: "Tere ghar mein maan-behen nahin hai kya?"

Stupid boy: "Hain par, aap jitani khubsoorat nahin hain"

Bindass girl: "Toh yeh le fair-n-lovely; goraa-pun laaye sirf do dinon mein."

-----
14.

Senti mom: "Tumhein maine apna pet kaat-kaat kar badaa kiya hai"

Even more senti son: "Boohoo! Aapne apne Tommy oops... Tummy ko kaat diya?"

-----
15.

Freshly disturbed 'abalaa naari': "Yeh sunane se pehale main andhee kyon nahin ho gayee. Yeh dekhane se pehale mere kaan phat kyon nahin gaye! Hey Dharti maan, mujhe apni god mein samaa lo!"

Dharti maan (in a mechanical voice): "Aap qataar mein khadi hain!"

-----

Now, don't ask me which movies these lines are from! Suffice to say that, that these lines were ever spoken proves the concept of parallel universes, some of which you do not have VIP-passes for! :P ;)

God only knows!

"Everything happens for a reason - we humans cannot know that reason. God operates in mysterious ways, and only God knows the reasons behind all the apparent unfairness in this World. Everything happens in accordance with law of Karma keeping in with deeds of your previous incarnations. Or you never know, what you think as bad today, could be a blessing in disguise! 'Good' and 'bad' are your puny, worldly definitions. How do you know if God operates by the same definitions? Just think 'positive', okay?" -Typical 'explanations' given to prove God's fairness and goodness in face of 'bad' things happening to good people.

***

School teacher (T) in an exam to a class ten student (S): What is 12 plus 15?

S: 27? I don't know. My mom knows the answer.

T: You idiot! You think that is even an answer? You're unfit to study in this school. Don't you know the answer is 27? Isn't it obvious after 12 years of studying maths? I'm flunking you. Get lost! Oh, I see my child, you're really devoted to your mom and love her so much. I'm glad to see, you're not arrogant enough to actually think you know the answer. Your humility is commendable. You're the best student I have ever known. You know everything! You've transcended to the next World gained sufficient expertise to yourself be a spiritualmathematical Guru! Here, take these chocolates. I'm sure, even your mom will give you lot more chocolates to see you love her so much. As it is, who am I to decide 12 plus 15 is 27?

***

Yes, our flawed education system is in need of urgent reforms.

Missing Marble's Mystery

A box labeled - "MARBLE THE GREAT INSIDE" is examined. There was no sound on shaking it. It was opened - no marble could be seen.

......
1.

1.1. That the box exists attests to the fact that Marble created it, so there must be Marble inside as declared by the label.

1.2. Ears are not reliable. There must be Marble inside.

1.3. Eyes are not reliable. There must be Marble inside.

1.4. Why would someone lie about Marble? I might find it, if I search "properly". There must be Marble inside.

1.5. If I don't say Marble is great or eat chocolates now, Marble might eat me after killing me. Why take chance?

1.6. If I say, Marble is great, it might give me chocolates after killing me. Why not take chance?

1.7. Marble is Great!

...This was Marbleism.

......
2.

2.1. There is no sound on shaking the box. There is no marble inside.

2.2. I couldn't see a marble on opening the box. There is no marble inside.

2.3. It's possible to write anything on the label. If I want, I can erase and write "SPOON THE GREAT INSIDE". It doesn't mean there has to be a spoon inside.

2.4. What's written on the label is false.

2.5. I'll try to grow chocolates and eat them to my heart's content before I die.

2.6. To find anything, I use exactly the same method to as I used to find the marble.

2.7. While it is possible for a marble, or for that matter even a spoon to be inside a box, there is no marble in the box given to me.

...This was Amarbleism.

......
3.

3.1. Absence of sound on shaking the box doesn't totally rule out the possibility that there could be Marble inside.

3.2. Not being able to see the Marble despite being able to see the box doesn't rule out the possibility that there could be Marble inside.

3.3. People can write things on a label - they can either be true or false.

3.4. Had the label talked of a spoon inside the box, I wouldn't have taken any time to conclude that it was false. But Marble is to be accorded special status.

3.5. I'm not sure if there is Marble inside or not.

3.6. Not sure if Marble will get angry if I grow and eat chocolates while alive. :(

...This was Agnosticism.

So many inconsistencies in news reporting of "two lady doctors killing a rape victim's baby in Raigad"!

...continued from previous post(click), where I had provided links, wherein two news agencies, viz., PTI and IANS (former published by DNA and the latter by many publications, including The Times of India) had reported the SAME incident, with conflicting versions.

Also, considering the circumstances, and being a doctor, many elements of the reports did not make any sense to me.

Let us first establish the motive behind the two doctors' act. It can only be earning easy money. Other very slim possibilities are: (1) both doctors suffering from psychiatric disorders, driving them to cruelty; (2) their trying to chastise the girl; or (3) the rapist was their kith or kin.

(1) is unlikely, otherwise they would not be still practicing, that too with a staff!

(2) is unlikely because then the girl's family would have interfered.

(3) is unlikely because otherwise the police would have 'discovered' and mentioned that fact.

So assuming earning money was their motive, someone must have PAID them. Who was that 'somebody'? It had to be either girl's relatives or the rapist. So, why were any of the two not incriminated after TWO days of 'investigation'? Whoever paid the money becomes, if not as much, at least significantly guilty of the crime committed.

The IANS report mentions the rapist's name simply as 'Raju', which is very strange (and not to mention sounds too generic), since if the two doctors' complete names were reported, then, the person who (possibly) paid the doctors and also raped the girl in the first place, also definitely deserves to have his complete official name mentioned. One more surprising fact is that the PTI report, which came a complete day later does not mention this significant fact!!!

Now coming to the MODE of killing: The doctors knew that they were committing a risky crime. Then why would they allow the baby to survive for 3 days? It is very easy to kill a newborn. Moreover, IANS mentions that the doctor had asked her driver to dispose the baby off in a septic tank 40 km away. Why?


If they let the baby live for 3 days despite risking suspicion of their staff and patients, then they were definitely daredevil risk takers! In that case, why would they ask their driver to go 40 km away, ONLY to dump a dead baby? As it is she was running a nursing home, and newborns dying in there would not be really extraordinary! So they could have simply disposed the baby by same method they employ for other dead babies.

Or if they asked the driver to dispose the baby 40 km away to avoid inviting suspicion, then their keeping the baby alive for 3 days makes no sense! As I mentioned earlier, killing a newborn is no big deal!

So basically, the two facts that the doctors starved the baby and asked the driver to dump it at a faraway nursing home are not at all logically compatible with each other. Significantly, only IANS mentions these two mutually conflicting facts. PTI report (despite coming a day later) makes no mention of starving the baby, and it clearly states that it was dumped in the biogas plant of the SAME hospital where it was delivered.

One of the commentators on the ToI web site has pointed out, that as reported, if it was an "alert citizen" witnessing the driver dump the baby, that led to the discovery of the whole occurrence, then where was the question of the driver's absconding?!! The PTI on the other hand clearly states that it was the girl who had lodged the complaint.

One important medical issue here is - how likely is a premature baby to survive 3 days without support and food?

Even term (mature - born at 40 weeks) babies without milk and water are unlikely to survive for 3 days. A premature baby has very little stored form of glucose (glycogen) in the liver. In addition, their lungs are not developed to inflate properly. So (28 weeks' gestation) premature babies without aggressive medical support are highly unlikely to survive.

Plus the sensationalist police statement, "It (baby) was not even shown to the young mother..." has no legal relevance! Why mention it despite skipping other details?

Where were the girl/family for SEVEN months?

Most appalling are the 45 passionately ranting readers, mostly who had missed all these glitches! What is the quality of reporting and readership?

Fine balance between lack of creativity and its excess. [Please ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY click on the links given in the post BEFORE COMMENTING!!]

I had always felt that our education does not promote original thinking, which is very detrimental to nation's progress, as without it research can never be carried out!

A very simple reason so many students fail exams is because they copy their neighboring candidate's answers verbatim. If teachers would only teach adequate language skills, then at least the students would alter sporadic words in their answers and the examiners would not be able to suspect copying and fail them.

This lack of language skills and original thinking have led to high dropout rates from high school, and can lead to further problems in the future when these students enter their active careers.

Read this newspiece:

Mass media: masses of money? (click)

Is it not high time we promote original thinking through education?

Of course, at the other end of the spectrum, we have students brimming with so much creativity and originality, and their answers would be so widely disparate, that examiners are left confused if the students were answering the same question!

Compare the two 'stories':

1. Two women doctors arrested for killing rape victim's newborn - dnaindia.com (click)

2. Women doctors in Raigad force rape victim to deliver, kill infant - The Times of India (click)

So, what we need as a nation to become a 'super power' is a fine balance between lack of creativity and its excess!

On a seriously serious note - imagine, possibly this kind of news-reporting passes off as journalism, based on which we build our outlook, and elect our governments; decide if a particular technology is good; and even, what to eat! Anywhere you see, and there are news and opinions.

Do you mind paying higher price for the delivered news, if their reliability is ensured through higher profit margins for the news agency, so that they would not be tempted into unethical practices?

continued here (click)...

PS: Thanks Sudhir Kumar and WDM for the links!

Miracle! Miracle!! Miracle on my blog!!!

A miracle has happened on my blog!

An over twenty five, yes, 25, yes, yes, yes, XXV years old message (click) from the Lord has suddenly emerged on my blog. Yes, the very same Lord who does not exist!

I always knew I was special; I was the chosen one.

Go! Spreadeth the wo... Oops! Spread the word!

The Monkey who sold his Fur, and became an entrepreneur <--- [rhyme alert]!

I stumbled upon a very detailed transcript of interview of Madhu Koda (click), the just 38 year-old, multi-millionaire entrepreneur, who has added unheard of dimensions to the art of portfolio management.

Those of you (unlike me), who have had some experience at wealth-generation, would know that one needs to first have a sufficiently bulky portfolio to have to manage it through innovative techniques!

But do not worry, as you get to learn from the man himself who had begun from a financial scratch, and worked himself up to a position, from where he can afford to scratch out his financial itch as and when he wants. Be mesmerized as he discusses his successful business strategies, and future plans for his 10 year-old business venture standing firmly at Rs. 4000 crore, and not at all staggering.

Since risk incurred is always proportionate to market premium, no doubt, some of you must have experienced trepidation at investing your vital noncapital assets, e.g., time expended in early days of your startup (poetically also known as 'youthful days') in risk-fraught activities. But again, Mr. Koda comes to your rescue, as he teaches a few of his imminently successful risk mitigation techniques.

Needless to say, such an inspiring and helpful manual to individual wealth-generation cannot be made available to the general public.

It is at a very *secret* place on the World Wide Web.

Basically, here (click). ;)

As the profits would be sourced in actual market events (which Mr. Koda enthusiastically explains), rather than mere speculations of future money flow, the TV interview had been aptly named as

Non Derivatives Trade Ventures' Profit

As you would learn from the interview transcript, democracy and greater autonomy in portfolio mismanagement of nation's GDP by entrepreneurs like Mr. Koda need to be promoted in a big way, if you are to employ same techniques as him and derive benefit from them, you have to promote democracy.

In my previous post, I had proposed a novel technique to do so. But if you find it tedious, you could simply take a look at the top of this page's left sidebar. ;)

Hope, you will not disappoint the well wisher in yours truly.

A divorce... that could not last.

They had been married ever since they could remember--more than 20 years now. They did not even remember if it was out of love, or was it arranged. They were so young, it was called an infant marriage! It was thaaaat long.

They always viewed things from different perspectives, yet somehow always managed to focus on where their views overlapped.

Wherever one went, the other had to go. They even woke up together. And no doubt, slept together. But, sleeping together never brought any excitement. :( They had grown sick of the other. Totally sick.

You go your way. I'll go mine.

[Angrily, without a thought] As you wish. And don't you dare follow me. Huh!

So for the first time ever, they went their own separate ways and darted in opposite directions. But they felt intensely dizzy (click). They could not stand it, they had to unite. They realized, their fate to stay together was sealed, not by something flimsy as love, but PPRF!

<--*-->

Okay sorry folks for this crap, which I am sure even medicos would find crappy!

It is on simple eyes that mammals possess. Meaning, they always manage to look at the same object of focus, but from different angles. Yet, the brain fuses the two images into one. PPRF is one of centers involved in controlling horizontal eye movements.

Eyes show many types of involuntary and voluntary movements for proper functioning.

Saccades are jerky movements generated mainly in response to changes in visual field (what the brain 'sees'), e.g., a moving target or sudden appearance of something new in the field--a fly falling in your soup! ;) They bring the 'pursued' object just about to the center of visual focus.

Smooth pursuit movements perform the same function as saccades, but are better coordinated, with constant adjustments in direction and velocity of eye movements based on feedback from muscles moving the eyes as well as the images formed by the retinae.

The fast phase of a nystagmus is brain's attempt to keep eyes still with regard to axis of the head when eyes get 'distracted' (the slow phase of nystagmus), say following head movement, saccades or sudden pursuit movements. So nystagmus could be normal, but occurs whenever eyes try to simultaneously look at different things! ;)

Google God, this is not fair! :(

See, how Google God is misguiding my prospective-readers-and-even-more-prospectively-about-to-turn-followers into believing that my blog is not about what they want to find on the World wide Web! :(

[CLICK 'GOOGLE GOD'S VAGARIES' ON TOP RIGHT OF THIS PAGE.]

No wonder, I keep on finding excuses to try to popularize my blog through shrewd, but inefficient means. And all it manages to do, is remain a Neglected Serendipity (click)

CLICK

And since my wishes do not get fulfilled, I find excuses to turn and remain an atheist, by emotionally blackmailing myriad of purportedly True and Supreme Gods.

CLICK

&

CLICK

Aargh some angels I worshipped, also did not help me in my NobelNoble endeavor! :(

CLICK

But this once, yet again I hope, the newly suprematized Google God would take notice that this marginalized blogger is perverseperseveres, and show mercy upon his deviantdivine blog, showering it with readers and their illogicaleulogical comments.

DO NOT CLICK

So here goes a piece of sycophancysick-o'-fancy-verbiage, hence short prayer.

Google Gog is goog
CLICK

Up against "What's up?"; please help! :(

Long back my parents would ask me to be more graceful in dealing with relatives, e.g., to ask them "tamey kem chho" [Gujarati for "How're you"?], though it literally means not "how", but "why are you?"! Isn't that offending, or at least a deeply existential query?

Plus, I used to find it pointless. I'd ask, "if someone's in a bad mood, would they actually say so? So what's the point?" And no, it wasn't me trying hyperrationalism! I truly used to feel that, and also find it insincere to ask. On top of it all, the expected reply would also be weird! "(badhuj) saaru chhe" = "(everything) is fine" [in response to "how are YOU?", and not "how is 'everything'?"!]. The problem is, to answer in terms of "I'm fine/good" is difficult due to weird connotations some words have come to take: "Hoon saaro chhun" = "I'm good", but it would be taken to mean "I'm a good person"! "Hoon barabar chhun" though translating as "I'm alright", sounds like "I'm correct"! "Hoon theek chhun" = "I'm alright", but comes off as dejected (not sufficiently ecstatic!), and hence, not apt.

But someone clever, recognizing the problem with greeting thus, added a leading question to "Kem chho?", viz., "Majaa maan?" = "Enjoying life?". Now, who has the balls to say, "What fun! Am effin preparing for PG entrance exams!" So you see, it's not only for effin that balls are required, but also to say effin!

I used to have same predicament asking "How are you?" and its Hindi version "Aap kaise hain?" See how the question's open ended, and could be as well grammatically correctly answered as "I'm like a lizard^*" or "main chhipkali jaise hoon" [*my grammatically flawed attempt to get Stupidosaur to comment!].

But the most formidable mutant among the species of redundant questions is "What's up, dude?". I mean, on being asked the first time I was totally stumped! I was obviously not expected to answer if I felt "fine"! The question means "what's new in life?", and I'd say "nothing special, man. You only tell!" See, how I'd cleverly shift the onus of answering such philosophical questions to the tormentor (interrogator)! Though, my dirty mind could also think "whatever is *up*, shouldn't stay so if I've to keep up focus on studies!"

But honestly, I still don't know how to answer "what's up" aptly. :( Someone please help me!

nOBAlAMA P*ss Prize! Please help me! Or, laugh with me...

I used to read about great people, mostly scientists, but still people who'd had significant and positive IMPACT on the World. The likes of Einstein, Neils Bohr,
Schrödinger, Francis Aston, Har Gobind Khorana, and well the list could NOT go on... In ALL cases, I'd first read about their WORKS, and they'd invariably filled me with awe, and somehow inspired me. Then I would read they were all Nobel laureates! My respect had risen for the Nobel and other laureates that I didn't even know!

My list mostly has physicists/chemists and not Medicine workers despite being a medico. It's silly, but I used to nurse a desire to gain sufficient knowledge, to strive to become like them, and to win the Nobel. But NO MORE. The common reason is my reading about them BEFORE realizing this:

Behind any public recognition there are ugly factors. Factors--I don't like to utter aloud, maybe whisper in the silent alleys of my frightened heart, which get drowned by the thundering applause that emanates from somewhere faraway where the heart cannot make itself go.

Last year reading about him, I'd found the contributions of Paul Ehrlich absolutely stunning, BUT poor guy, he'd managed to win a Nobel! And this time around to my own shock, I started seeing his contributions skeptically.

I'd to become apathetic to save myself. I couldn't afford to care. But today, Obama's won the Nobel Peace Prize!

Don't get me wrong, I'd heard his most wonderful speech, which had changeD my heart, well almost, and I shouldn't be harsh on him. His term's just started, and he might end up a wonderful World-leader WHEN THE RESULTS SHOW. And that's precisely the point! Has the quality of oratory become the yardstick for winning the Peace Nobel? My angst is at the Nobel Committee, not Him. Today, you've slapped all those scientists I'd respected, and all that I'd held dear in them.

Oh but wait, if you're trying to say, "the World's become so very bereft of those who ACTUALLY do some work of positive impact, and hence we'd to scale down our criterion to just POTENTIAL for greatness", then I agree. Wholeheartedly, and heartlessly.

Ah but, we still have humor (click)!

---

What did World say to Obama on being asked for change?

Aagey badh; chhutta nahin hai! Par yeh rakh Nobel sikka.

[Move on; ain't got change, but keep this Nobel medal]

Too bad, it's just a joke. :(

BJP's Rally against Price Rise Makes Dent - on Twitter!

Tweaked from #PriceRiseRally tweets:

1. Bhishma Pitamah at #PriceRiseRally: Khud ka pet nahin paal sakta, biwi-bachchon ka kya hoga! Main brahmacharya ki shapath leta hoon

2. Buffalo at #PriceRiseRally eats up dice thrown by Shakuni after wrongly hearing "chaar" as "chaara". Denies its name is Lalu

3. Ms. Roy at #PriceRiseRally scratches private parts vigorously. Thinks of lice in Dantewada jungle: "Bloody *internal* security threats!"

4. Duhshasan indecisive at #PriceRiseRally as Draupadi didn't wear saree as a cost-cutting measure

5. Ahmadinejad bans #PriceRiseRally, then retracts on learning the rally is being held in India (via @bharkadatta)

6. Ahmadinejad while parting from #PriceRiseRally: Holocaust & price rise are same things & they never really happened

7. Ahmadinejad rephrases #PriceRiseRally statement: HollowCost & price rise are same things & they never really happened

8. Michelangelo plans sequel to 'Fall of Man' - 'Rise of Price'; joins #PriceRiseRally for inspiration. Promises to show Katie Price & protestors fully clothed

9. Voyeuristic Katie Price fans at #PriceRiseRally hope to have some upskirt fun when Price is raised

10. MMS in face of #PriceRiseRally didn't let Katie Price sleep the whole night citing "Early to bed, early to rise". Doesn't reveal how he kept her awake

11. Media stays away from #PriceRiseRally. "We only cover matters of *gravity*. Nothing that 'rises' is important"

12. Protestor 'Tara Singh' faints in the #PriceRiseRally. Aamir to make a movie - Tara Zameen Par

13. Sheila Dixit points to south Indian movie artists in #PriceRiseRally in Delhi: See, those are nonstate actors!

14. Pickpockets join #PriceRiseRally. On further query, holding wallets in their hand just say, "SurPrice!"

15. AnDy Tiwari joins #PriceRiseRally to pep up his sex life. Reveals he renamed his Rambo to 'Price'

16. Mulayam at #PriceRiseRally whistles at ladies from decent families. Defends: I was just being a whistle blower

17. Pak president Zardari joins #PriceRiseRally, says he has nothing much to do back home (via @bharkadatta)

18. Mayawati at #PriceRiseRally: My cash garland isn't worth much now, thanks to inflation. Hence joined the protests (via @bharkadatta)

19. Genelia D'souza at #PriceRiseRally says she's here to try out her new sunscreen lotion! (via @bharkadatta)

Yay, I got rich! :) Virtually :(

Read the notice, above? Now don't think my resolve is weak. Except for bank balance, my nothing is weak, get it? Oh okay, maybe other balances also--mental, emotional, spiritual, se... oh no, let's not get there, please?

But what happened totally warrants blogging.

I'd turned fairly cynical, not believing in the goodness of mankind or the existence of God, but just as the header above says, life had ways of telling me I was wrong--this time through email. But, the stubborn me kept on deleting all those mails. You see, I paid for it, or rather, did not get paid! :(

Those Burkinabès from Burkina Faso, the kindest souls to exist (yess, essouls exist!), had been sending me money, with God only knows how many zeros (couldn't count them). And all I thought was "Puny humans! Think I'm a fool?"

But on getting a mail, which wasn't from Burkina Faso, I instantly knew it was a God send! So what if the sender had 'harm' in its ID? Trust (Vishwas) is all that's required. O:-)

***

From: ATM AWARD CARD
ATM CARD payment center
Mon 14 Sep 2009 00:06 IST

A sum of (700,000 thousand
USD) have been credited to your
E-mail
Address by ATM CARD payment
center Congrats...Confirm this
receipt by
contacting Mr Victor Harmfield.
+2348072237106 on
rev.victorharmfield1@yahoo.com.hk

NAME:
BIRTH DATE:
AGE:
SEX (ENTERING FREQUENCY ONLY INCREASES RISK OF DISQUALIFICATION):
MARITIAL STATUS:
HOME ADDRESS:
OCCUPATION:
POSITION:
OFFICE:
TEL:
MOBILE:
DECLARATION: I ________, hereby declare that the
information given above
is correct to the best of my
knowledge.
--
The message was scanned
for viruses and
dangerous content added by
OpenProtect (www.openprotect.com), and is
believed to be cleansing.

***

I'd promptly sent my details including bank account's (otherwise how does anyone transfer money, huh?). Knowing money attracts money, to ensure they sent heaps of it, I deposited 20 k more rupees. But my balance hasn't increased a single cent, yet :(

Readers might think, my outlook is too 'negative' but now I think it was just an 'electron'ic mail, after all :(

Moral of the story: God/God's email account do not existElectrons are negatively charged :(

PS: Was is it you, Vishwas?

Sequel to My Post 'Do I deserve pink chaddis?'--Guest post by Sioneve

This is actually a guest post by Sioneve. We had a small blanter (blog+banter) here (click)

She had promised to do a small story on how my conversation with my kids would turn out if one of them ended up like the girl in my post--'Do I deserve pink chaddis?' (click).

So well, here goes the imaginary conversation:

-----*-----

Ketan speaking to SON about Pink Chaddis, over breakfast…the expected converstaion:

Son: [sing-song voice] Good morning dad! What a lovely day! Do you like the new outfit I designed in fashion school?? Isn’t it FABULOUS. It is supposed to capture the freshness of Spring – you see the side vents gape to allow fresh air to get in and circulate around inside my clothes and also freshen up my chaddis at the same time!! No pools of sweat building up!! And the chaddis have to be pink because I think that is the freshest colour in Spring!!

K: [thinks: AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!] Hmmmm. Son, as I havwe said many times, I respect your fashion design capabilities greatly. However, I think that if you go out dressed like that, people may not respect you and I would be very sad if you lost respect.

Son: Oh Dad! Don’t be so square! I am an ARTIST! I do not care WHAT people think. All artists are avante garde! We have to be because we are at the cutting edge! We decide what happens, BEFORE it happens! Get hip Dad!

K: No Son – realy – I care about you very deeply and am trying to give you my best advice. It is painful to be laughed at! Plus I have seen fashion designers like Giorgio Armani – he always dresses respectfully in navy shirts and slacks – you never see his chaddis sticking out like yours – pools of sweat or not!!

Son: But Dad – all my friends dress like this! Its who we are! Armani is SO yesterday! We are the voice of tomorrow!

K: Okay. I have tried to reason with you but you will not listen. So I have no choice but to tell you to march right back into your room and reconsider your dressing choices! While you live under my roof, you follow some codes of decorum!

Son: Awww DAD!!! It’s not fair!! [Pouts and marches off to room. Slams door].

-----

NOW…This is how such a thing should be handled…(purely facetious)…

Son: [sing-song voice] Good morning dad! What a lovely day! Do you like the new outfit I designed in fashion school?? Isn’t it FABULOUS. It is supposed to capture the freshness of Spring – you see the side vents gape to allow fresh air to get in and circulate around inside my clothes and also freshen up my chaddis at the same time!! No pools of sweat building up!! And the chaddis have to be pink because I think that is the freshest colour in Spring!!

K: [thinks, if you can't beat them, then join them and beat them at their own game!!!] What a DIVINE outfit (high pitched squeal). I was just thinking son, we don’t do enough things together! I would like to join you in your fashion….may I borrow one of your outfits and we can go out together!!

Son: [thinks, ARRRRGGGHHHH!!] Oh, Dad no! I was thinking that you look so elegant in your Armani suit! Why change a classic??

K: No, seriously – because I want to hang out with you and be cool and properly aerated!!

Son: Okay Dad! You are right! We should do more together! Why don’t I wear my Armani suit and join YOU!!

K: Oh son…you would do that for me?? Isn’t it asking too much for you to give up your FABULOUS fashion??

Son: No! No! I want to make a new fashion statement – conservative is back!!!

K: [smiles sweetly!]

-----*-----

Thanks, Sioneve a lot! This was truly a lovely post! Thanks for giving me such premature tips on parenting! I'll follow them as soon as I suffer from ventriculomegaly, or broadmindedness, in other words! Or till, I have a son, whichever is later!

Disclaimer to my SON wherever he be: See, it's only my decorum that's keeping me from stating the obvious truth here that I won't be half as broadminded as portrayed in even the first version of our conversation! Say hello! to Sioneve auntie! Okay, now if you want such ventilatory chaddis, just see how broadminded I am (click)!

Educational post

Smart Kid: Please gimme first rank this time at least!

Smart God: I can't. Others are also asking for the same thing!

SK: That's unfair! I come just second everytime. :(

SG: Calculate area under the curve of what everyone gets in their lives against time, and you'll know, I'm very fair.

SK: I don't know anything! You can give me first rank this time, and third the next.

SG: No one teaches me how to run the Universe, okay?

SK: [Hoonn; turns away from God, a la--'Tu tu, main main']. I'm gonna stop believing in you. I'm turning atheist.

SG: [Hoonn] Shoo! Go away! I don't care. I'm turning a Deist God. [Yawns with boredom]

Meanwhile, later at a school function...

"This year's first prize for scoring the highest marks in class 4 goes to SK!"

Behind the scenes...

[SG frantically fidgets with buttons of a remote]

"Gosh! SK's getting that prize and these darned buttons! They'd to stop functioning just now! [Sigh] I should've stuck with the regular remote with warranty, not this cheap Chinese-made thing! Just wait you cheaters, I'll teach you a lesson!"

[SG's stubby angry finger lands on the Tsunami button directing the remote at China]

Hurricane Hillary hits the East coast of the U.S.!

SG: [Sigh]

------------

Moral of the story: Of course people, you know it! Buy only good-quality electronic gadgets with warranty, bill and an ISI mark^*!

Above advertisement issued in Public Interest by the Government of Idiotia

*ISI mark--'Seal of trust' put by the Bureau of Indian Standards on products tested by them.

Review of Jawani Diwani—A youthful joyride

This is a blog I had published elsewhere, and not that I am particularly proud of it, but since it was anyway going to get deleted, so thought why not publish it here:

Review of Jawani Diwani—A youthful joyride

Rating: %#@&

“What’s with the rating?”—You ask. Nothing really. The movie just doesn’t deserve any stars. Of course, you know what those printed characters mean. Right? Actually, the movie could have won an Oscar had it played Shahrukh in it. No, the movie isn’t that good. It’s just that its entertainment-value compares with Paheli’s.

The promos of the movie were really misguiding. And, it’s not the ‘ennahtainment vahl-yu’ that I’m talking of. Our serial kisser-boy, Emraan Hashmi (Mann Kapoor in the movie) was quite restrained with just three kisses in the entire movie (yes, you read it right; no printing error this is), with one being the replay of the other. He’s our average lecherous Indian male with seriously above-average luck. As a struggling singer he saves the life of Radha (Hrishitaa Bhatt) who happens to be the only (and surprisingly lonely) daughter of ‘cassette-king’--Umesh Jumani (played by Tiku Talsania). The instant chemistry that follows is to be seen and not believed, for unlike in this movie, the life of an average-Indian-lecherous-male is not guided by a bad script. By the way, Mann promises to marry her after taking a short trip to Goa.

What follows is a shoddy (excuse the euphemism) mix of lame digs at the likes of Anu Malik (sorry, don't know the in vogue numerologically correct spelling), & of jokes (excuse the exaggeration of calling them that—jokes) that are vulgar & miserably predictable, which makes you cry for the wasted money and time (dear ‘time is money’-types, if you’ve read this this far, you’ve already wasted quite a bit). But, don’t worry there’s something to laugh—the meant-to-be-emotional scenes.

I’m sure there must be a major number of Celina Jaitley *fans*, if you can call them that, who’d have wanted to watch the movie only for her. Alas! There are too many frames in the movie, where you get to see only her face, and believe me, you can’t help but wonder—if the makeup wasn’t up to its job, or if the cameraman did it too well.

Yes, not to forget, there’s one Chappubhai too. The role’s played by Mahesh Manjrekar, who I award full points for reminding us in, between that is, that this was originally supposed to be a COMEDY movie.

It’s in Goa that Celina (Roma Fernandez) falls in love with Mann, who falls in bed with her, upon discovering which Chappubhai forcefully locks them in wedlock (that kind of thing is possible in this kind of movie, indeed).

When it occurred to me, I was thrilled by the ingenious way in which Air Mauritius™ decided to tackle their till-now-successful-tourism-industry-caused-overcrowding-problems simply by advertising itself in the movie. (It’s to Mauritius where Chappubhai sends our literally we(l)d-locked couple to spend their honeymoon).

But, I won’t reveal the S-U-SSSSSS-P-E-N-C-E of this edge-of-the-seat-thriller; it really does make you sit on the edge of your seat, as you decide between running for the closest exit—wasting money in the process, or waiting a bit more, & wasting time, alternatively (Ah! The options offered by life).

Well, the movie has a saving grace, after all—music, what with those Arabic lyrics that nobody understands that nobody anyway cares to understand. No wonder, the title track & ‘Sinine sinine’ have made their respective ways to the countless pirated MP3 discs. Also, the choreographer, I bet, was really experienced. I’ll put my money on experience of no less than THREE DECADES in conducting mass PT-drills!

It would, however, be unfair to say that everything about the movie was bad. It had a nice ending, meaning, with it the movie at least came to an end.

Well my take on the movie? Throw in a bit of skin (male or female doesn’t matter—who’ll anyway be able to differentiate in such confusion and such extreme close ups?), mindless Arabic lyrics, dhinchak-dhinchak rickshaw beats, loads of blue filter (the cinematographic blue; the other kind of *blue* was sadly not there :( )to the scenes at random, step-less robotic dances, and remove any residual story left in the movie, and you still can’t get ‘Jawani Diwani’. It would still need the bad acting of Celina Jaitley, hairy armpits of Emran and a concerted effort of the entire crew to put this youthful joyride firmly on a collision course. Such movies—“Java devani” (Gujarati for: “to let go”).

Insanity Person(alit)ified!

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